There's always something more to learn. Always. God has another lesson, another season just waiting for us around the next bend. This season I am in, I'm not sure what to call it. It was healing. Maybe it still is. I feel like I'm going through a transition, though. Right now, it almost seems like a season of celebration. And of learning. Can it be multiple things? Yes. I think so.
About a month and a half ago, I started learning a really hard lesson. At first, I just waved at it as it passed by. But as time went on, I realized that sooner or later I was going to have to learn this lesson. And so, I picked sooner. I learned the lesson of emotional purity. I should say that I'm still learning it. But I realized (finally) how much I need to work at it. How many mistakes I've been making. How many choices I made that I wish I could take back. This is my greatest struggle.
Last year, I began allowing myself to become close to a young man. Very close. I took our friendship by the leash and skipped on my merry way with no caution. I don't regret being friends with him. I still am. But how close I was to him, that's what I regret. We would text every day, never going a single day without talking. We shared each others triumphs and sorrows. My parents told me to be careful. To take care of my heart. In my head I thought I was doing fine. I didn't like like him, we were just friends, what was the harm? A lot. The harm was a lot.
So I chose to ignore God's whispering. His tap on my shoulder. Until one day, a month and a half ago, He shoved me. Hard. Through an e-mail. From another young man. Telling me something no one had ever told me before. No further contact. It floored me. Knocked me to the ground and would not let me back up. For nearly a week I battled my heart, my conscience, my mind. What had I done? Finally, after many talks with my parents, I wrote him back. Requesting that I know my sin. So I could repent.
It wasn't me. When I read the response, I had to read it a few times to realize what it said. He needed to protect his heart. Oh.
So began God's teaching.
I constantly heard those words in my mind. Protect my heart. I began to wonder....am I protecting my heart? I thought back to the young man I was so close to. I had been smacked hard with a choice he made in his life. I started allowing the pieces to fall together. I was way too close to this young man. That's why a choice he had made had been a smack instead of a poke. Something that should have been a poke. My thoughts wandered to a third young man. Then it hit me. I was starting to make the same mistake with him. Talk about history repeating itself.
So I had some talks. I talked to the first and third young men mentioned and told them I needed to be careful with my heart. And that I wasn't doing so. And so we drew a line.
Then I went to Endeavor. One session had a talk specifically about relationships with guys and how to protect our hearts. More pieces fell into place. I understood what I had been doing to myself and some of the young men I interacted with.
Guys are not my buddies. Plain and simple. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I'll talk to one of my girlfriends. Which I have an abundance of now. I think a huge reason I struggle so greatly with this is because at one point in my life 98% of my friends were boys. That was a mistake. God is providing with more and more girlfriends to surround myself with all the time. I am greatly blessed by all the girls in my life. I am thankful that God is providing me with people I can relate to. People who will help me grow. Encourage me in my faith. Help me protect my heart.
I will be forever grateful for that e-mail I received. It taught me a lot. I am now focusing on being the right girl. The right girl for the guy that God has for me. Whoever he may be. Because I'm only going to marry one guy. Those other guys? Other girls' husbands. Yup. Maybe if more girls looked at their guy friends like that, there would be less heartache. I know I will be dealing with less.