Lord, teach me to trust You.

Therefore I say unto you,

Take no thought for your life,

What ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink;

Nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.

Is not the life more than meat, and the body raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air:

For they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns;

Yet your heavenly Father feedeth them.

Are ye not much better than they?

Which of you by taking thought

Can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take yet thought for raiment?

Consider the lilies of the field,

How they grow;

They toil not,

Neither do they spin:

And yet I say unto you,

That even Solomon in all his glory

Was not arrayed like one of these.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field,

Which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven,

shall he not much more clothe you,

O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying,

What shall we eat? Or,

What shall we drink? Or,

Wherewithall shall we be clothed?

(For all these things do the Gentiles seek:)

For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need

Of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God,

And His righteousness;

And all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow:

For the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

[Matthew 6:25-34]

Come unto me,

All ye that labour and are heavy laden,

And I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;

For I am meek and lowly in heart:

And ye shall find rest in your souls.

For my yoke is easy,

And my burden is light.

[Matthew 11:28-30]

I'm okay.
That's what I've been saying.

But really...
Maybe I'm not.
But maybe...
I am.

Is it possible to be both?
Yes.

I know that God is in control.
And with that, I am okay.
But I still hurt.
Deeply.

Because I am a person.
With feelings.

I honestly can't say my world has come crashing down around me.

Because my world does not solidify in people or things.

It solidifies in my Savior.
The only One I can truly rely on.

People disappoint.
They are not perfect.
That is the moral to this story.

God's ways are not my ways.
His plans are not my plans.
And I am going to trust Him.

Because if what I just lost wasn't what is best...
Then what is best is something incredible.
And I'm willing to wait for that.

Lord, teach me to trust You.
This is my greatest desire.
But I am weak. I am human.
And I will fall.
Please keep picking me up and brushing me off every time I fall.
Teach me to trust You.
Because that is the one thing I know that will bring me lasting peace.

What I Needed (And What I Wanted)

I have returned.

To college.

To the blogging world (anyone miss me?? Hahaha).

To work.

I'm getting back to my favorite routine. Classes start next week. The big chunk of students gets back this weekend. Studying will start soon (well... it kind of already has). Life will pick up at the high-speed pace college gives it. I am slowly but surely becoming reunited with friends I have not seen for four months. And I have a job.

Some of you may remember a post I wrote closer to the beginning of the summer about wants and needs. Since that time, I got e-mail after e-mail vaguely detailing what was going on, finally got paperwork, and sent it off.

Then there was the waiting.

Ooooh the waiting.

Anyone who knows me well can tell you about my stubborn streak that never seems to end and my subtle but fire-y temper. But anyone who spends an afternoon with me will probably be able to tell you about my lack of patience. My get it done now attitude. In some ways, it's a good thing. I get stuff done. But in other ways, it's definitely a sin problem that God has been mercifully (but firmly) teaching me through. I am constantly going. My mind whirring, looking for the next thing to do. Being bored is not an option. When I have nothing to do, I find something to worry about and fixate on it. Not good. I am legendary in the way I drive people crazy over this.

Once again... not good.

This summer God used my work situation and other situations to show me just how wrong my impatience can be when applied to situations I have no control over.

I constantly worried about work. And God taught me a lesson through that.

When I was waiting on my application paperwork, it was still unknown whether or not I would even receive the paperwork. I knew down to the day when it was supposed to get to me.

Or so I thought.

On the evening of the day I thought I was supposed to receive my application, it had not arrived. I sat up in my bedroom, sulking. Poking around on my computer trying to get my mind off not having a job. But God has a (wonderful) way of stepping in and joining one's thoughts. Reminders kept coming into my mind.

Rose, aren't I in control? Don't I know exactly what you'll be doing next semester? Don't I know your needs?

And it was then that I let my stubbornness slip away. I won't lie, it was not easy. Because my instinct is to worry, and whine, and panic. But as I have learned on many occasions, as a born sinner, my instinct--my automatic response to anything in life--is wrong. And I must (through the work of God) change how I respond to anything in life.

And I chose to do that. That night, I gave everything over to God. I told Him I would be happy with or without a job. Because in the great, grand scheme of things, I don't need anything but my Savior. And I already have Him. As far as earthly needs go, God has promised in His word to supply every single one (Philippians 4:19).

The next day I got a wonderful surprise. As I jumped into my mom's car when she picked me up from work, I spotted a large envelope on the dashboard. I picked it up, and there it was: my paperwork. I practically came out of my skin with excitement.

God knew even before I prayed that my paperwork was on its way. He knew that I would have the job. He knew what I didn't know. He simply asked for my patience and my trust. And receiving my paperwork the day after I "gave in" and chose to trust Him was one of the most wonderful feelings. Yes, my paperwork was coming regardless. But the victory was so much sweeter knowing it came straight from the hands of God--who I had chosen to trust completely.

Weeks went by, the paperwork was filled out and sent off and I had to wait... again. The day I was supposed to get a formal job offer came and went. I started to panic again. And I will admit, really struggled to completely trust God. During those last few weeks, I had done a bit of figuring and had realized that this job was not just a want--it was a definite need. I began to question God. Wonder why He would leave me in the cold like that. He knew I needed a job, so why didn't He deliver?? Isn't that what the verse in Philippians said???

But there's more to that verse than just "God will give you everything you need." In a way, this verse is one of those verses that people take out of context as a "magic solution verse." In context, this verse comes at the end of Philippians 4. Paul is thanking the Philippians for their generous care for him (being that Paul was a missionary, I tend to think theirs was a monetary gift). He uses this as a way to encourage the Philippians. He reminds them that whatever state they are in, they need to be content. He also reminds them that while God will supply their needs, the way He does it will be for His glory.

Unfortunately, that last paragraph is a good reminder that hindsight is 20/20. Because while I constantly prayed for the ability to trust God, I often caught myself not really trying at all.

Because a Facebook conversation and an e-mail later... I found out I most definitely had the job. And I'll admit, I felt pretty silly for worrying. It's times like these that I wonder what God is thinking when His children are once again humbled by the reminder that yes, He is still good and He is still in control. And that there was no chance He had ever left us out in the cold.

And it's times like these that I find myself even more thankful for God's patience with His children. The way He brushes us off after every time we fall--even if we were going directly against Him.

And God supplied my need. For His glory.

And I returned to school early. And arrived at training, knowing I was retail division, knowing I'd probably be working at my "second-choice job." Because while my need had been fulfilled, I still had wants.

Isn't that how we always are?

Hey God, I know you're making sure all my needs and stuff are taken care, and I don't really need such-and-such, but you know, you're big and awesome and stuff. Can't I just have that too?

All the time.

God, I'd really like so-and-so to like me. Can I have this person on my hall? Why does she have to be in my room this year? Artist Series is coming up, I want that guy to ask me. Oh, and could you just suddenly transform the way my body works so I can be skinny now? Yeah, that'd be great.

I know that sounded silly. But in a way, that's kind of what we sound like sometimes. Acting as if God is some sort of magic genie who has given us unlimited wishes that will be granted instantly. In truth, we need a lot less than we think we need. Now, I'm not saying God doesn't like giving us stuff we merely want, but what is our attitude when we ask for these things?

Because something I really wanted was to work in the coffee shop. To be honest, while the Snack Shop was nice, I wasn't thrilled. I've always [wanted] to try being a barista (this is seriously a bucket list thing for me). The coffee shop on my college campus was a perfect opportunity! Right? Well, if that's where God wanted me. And I battled with that too. I really, really wanted to be in the coffee shop. But what if God had something for me in the Snack Shop where He wanted to use me for His kingdom? What if there was something He wanted me to do for Him there?

And so the morning of orientation, I prayed. I admitted to God (well, He obviously already knew all this, but there's something to be said about saying something yourself) that I really, really, really, really wanted to work in the coffee shop. But I knew that He might have something else planned. And so that morning, I gave it up to Him. I told Him wherever He placed me, I would be happy (but, um, I really really would like Cuppa Jones. If that's okay).

I wonder if God ever thinks, "silly girl" when I'm debating between my wants and needs when I'm talking to Him. In a way of, oh, Rose, you will see what I have for you soon enough. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Don't stress, I've got this.

By that afternoon, I had learned that there were openings in Cuppa Jones and 24 hours later, I had my work hours scheduled. Exactly where I wanted to be.

I don't believe in the Prosperity Gospel. There are a lot of holes in that way of thinking. We are not always going to get what we want and life is not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and ponies. But I do believe God delights in delighting His children with certain things in life that they may not necessarily need, but do want. We will always be supplied with our needs. We will not always get what we want. I firmly believe that makes when we do get something we merely that much sweeter. Those times when we do get we want are God's way of saying I love you and love seeing you happy. What you want is not always best for you. But sometimes it is, and I love seeing the joy that comes to your face when you get it. 

God is not some grouchy old man that begrudgingly hands us what we need and doesn't ever think about our wants. He knows the wants are what make life that much more enjoyable.  Don't expect every little thing you want to be handed to you, though. That's not how He works. He gives, He takes away.

And whether He has given you something recently or taken something away, please never forget to praise God. He has a reason for everything He does. Wait patiently on Him and He will give you an unexpected (but wonderful) end.

Living Dangerously.

The danger in becoming a Christian and living for Christ is persecution.

The danger in growing up is discovering that your parents are not perfect.

The danger in having close friends is knowing their flaws.

The danger in love is getting your heart broken.

The danger in discussing beliefs is discovering you are wrong.

The danger in walking outside your front door is encountering people you don't want to encounter.

The danger in reaching out is rejection.

The danger in being transparent is rejection.

The danger in being yourself is people wanting you to be someone else.

The danger in change is the action of it.

The danger in telling the truth is losing friends.

The danger in stepping out of your comfort zone is encountering things you've never tried before.

The danger in trying something new is being stretched beyond imagine.

The danger in living is dying.

Every day when you wake up, you have to ask: is it worth it?

And every day you must find a reason to say: yes.

The reward in living for Christ is knowing you are furthering His cause and will one day get to see Him, your Savior, face-to-face.

The reward in growing up is accomplishing your dreams and learning from the wisdom of your parents.

The reward in having close friends is having people to lift you up and you can lift up.

The reward in love is that not everyone will break your heart. There are those who will return it.

The reward in discussing beliefs is discovering new perspectives

The reward in walking outside your front door is discovering a big wide world waiting to be explored.

The reward in reaching out is being able to show God's love to others.

The reward in being transparent is not longer harboring burdening secrets.

The reward in being yourself is being the best you you can be and thus being truly happy.

The reward in change is becoming more like your Savior.

The reward in telling the truth is learning who your true friends are.


The reward in stepping out of your comfort zone is discovering and doing new and exciting thing.


The reward in trying something new is becoming more rounded.


The reward in truly living is dying to self and becoming alive to Christ.


Seize the day. Take chances. Make mistakes. Get messy.


Love God, love others (this includes your enemies).


Live for Christ in such a way that you recklessly abandon all doubts and fears and jump in both feet first. Face your fears head on and prove to them you are no longer afraid. Let the cause of Christ be your battle cry. Live in His strength.

Live dangerously for Him. You will never go back.

Overcome.

I used to hate myself.

It's the truth.

For too long, I believed the lies that were fed into my mind by both advertisements and people who had no place in my life. The lies were planted, and I watered them. I let them grow. I allowed them to consume my mind like kudzu. This killed my confidence. And, in a way, it killed me. [if you're interested, this post relays basically my entire story. I have numerous other posts pertaining to my story hiding in my archives. If you have an hour or five to kill and want to sift through the deep recesses of my blog, be my guest. But I don't expect it. This blog's been up for over two years now. There's a lot on it. But, I digress.]

What do I mean... killed me?

What I mean is, it killed my spirit. The creative, happy, confident person God created me to be. In a very real sense, I gave up. At age 14, I considered myself largely a failure. My freshman year of high school was riddled with examples of my apathy towards life and success. It's a true miracle that my mother only made me repeat one or two classes. And the classes I had to repeat I wasn't required to have four years worth of in order to graduate from high school. That meant I still graduated right on time. God's grace is so evident even in that. He could have made me stay back an extra year. But he used my brokenness, apathy, and sinfulness to teach me and bring glory to Himself. Approaching my sophomore year of college, I look back on this time and am in awe of how magnificent my Savior is and how much He loves me. 

But even four years later, I am still picking up the pieces. In one year of apathy, I lost nearly everything about myself that made me me. I replaced my love of reading with an internet addiction. I merely went through the motions with my art and music. Things I absolutely loved and was created with the ability to excel in (things that would last) were cast aside for the immediate. I discovered the "magic" of logging onto any internet site and getting immediate satisfaction. I found numerous pictures and comics all containing funny quips, quotes, and observations that I could spend my time laughing at and relating to without having to do any real work. I created a new world for myself in an online game that became more important to me than my real life. I neglected what I loved because I had to work for the satisfaction. I thought immediate satisfaction would be better.

As I'm sure you can deduce, it wasn't. 

And in abandoning my earthly hobbies and past times, I ended up turning from my Savior. Yes, I believe that when I accepted Christ at the age of 11 that was the real thing. In that time, I did grow some and did learn more about my Savior. But I kept one part of my heart "off-limits." Obviously there is no place that is off-limits to God. But I resisted Him working in that part of my heart. And that part I wouldn't give up was everything I just relayed to you.

I need to pause and say something. As one who has been there, if you're reading this and you are there, do not give up. Please, do not believe the lie that says that fighting isn't worth it. It is. It takes work, but that's why it's worth it. Please, trust what I am telling you. Because what I am saying is coming from someone who has been through this. And I can tell you it gets better. Read on.

Through several different circumstances that opened my eyes and heart, I began giving God back every bit of my heart. I would be lying if I told you it is not a near-daily struggle to leave everything in God's hands. As far as I've come, as confident as I am again, there are some days I look in the mirror and wonder if anyone cares. I know people do. But I am also very much aware of how small I am compared to the rest of the universe. The fact that Someone so great as God loves me enough to know the exact number of hairs on my head, gather every tear I cry and call them precious, and listen to and answer every prayer I pray is astounding. Every time I think about it, I become awe-struck. And it is then that I remember that no matter how few people there are on earth who think I matter (or how few people I tell myself there are) nothing compares to mattering to God. The love of man dims in the light of being loved by God. If I had no one on earth, I would still have God. And He is enough.

He created me with a specific plan for my life. He knew exactly what my name would be, what I would look like, who I would marry, what my job would be, and who and what I would love before time even began. Every second of my life was already made known to Him. Incredible, isn't it?

There is no one else on earth exactly like me. There may those who share my name (with the unusualness of mine, this probability is lower for me than others, but it's still very real) but there is no one out there who looks exactly like me, is just as tall as me, has all the same quirks, hobbies, experiences, likes, dislikes, friends, family and so much more all put together. I may share bits and pieces with others, and that is often what makes them my friends. But there is no one else like me in the entire world. 

There is only one Autumn Rose Johnson, born October 16, 1993.

Her eyes are colored a mix of her mother's and father's eyes... blue from her mother and speckles of green from her father.

Her hair is mostly brown mixed with black, blond, and red.

She is near-sighted. Her left eye is the weaker eye.

She is completely left-side dominant (save her left eye).

When she smiles, you can see her slightly crooked, lopsided teeth. One of the front ones has a natural chip.

She loves music. She took piano lessons for over ten years, violin for a year and a half, and wants to teach herself guitar. She can often be seen with her headphones in, music flowing through her mind.

She loves art. She took oil painting for over six years and owns an extensive collection of colored pencils as well as a sketchbook waiting to be filled.

She loves to be active. Every time she goes out and swims, runs, or bikes she returns with the satisfaction of having completed a good workout. 

She is a health nut. Vegetables are her favorite food and she could probably subsist on purely those if it weren't for steak, bacon, grilled chicken, chocolate, cantaloupe, and frozen yogurt.

She loves books. She can consume an average-sized book in one day.

She loves to learn. She looks forward to school so she can glean knowledge from teachers she looks up to and admires.

She has odd little quirks about her that make her awkward, nerdy, and (she hopes) lovable.

She is known by multiple funny nicknames, her favorites being Otto and Leprechaun.

She is a happy girl with an unbreakable spirit.

But most importantly, she is a child of God. She was created to fulfill a specific purpose to further the cause of Christ. She is completely in love with her Savior and wants to live to serve Him.

That is the me that almost completely disappeared. Some of it (the music, the art, the activeness, the heath nut, the reader, the learner) has not yet completely come back yet. The habits I had formed as a child (besides the exercise and health nut. That's relatively new. But much needed) were broken one by one in my year of apathy. But with God's help, I'm bringing them back. I have consumed many books this summer and look forward to consuming many more before summer ends. I pick up my sketch book on occasion, and often (okay, always) doodle in the margins of my hand-written class notes. I have begun listening to music again although I am still working towards sitting in front of the piano and picking up my guitar again. I am eating healthier than I have ever eaten in my entire life. I have an exercise plan ready once my needed resources are before me (and they will be in a month or less. I can't wait). Slowly but surely, bit by bit, God is giving me the strength to reconstruct me.

So if you're still reading this, if you made it to the end:

Please realize I didn't write this to tell you how cool I am

Or why you should think I'm awesome

I wrote this because I believe this something God does not want me to keep to myself.

My battle is one that thousands of young women fight every day.

If you're reading this, and you are one of those who is fighting this battle:

You are not alone.

I have been through this--I understand how it feels.

But I also know that it can be overcome.

But it's not something you can do on your own.
You need strength that can only come from God in order to overcome.

God is empowering me to be the best Autumn Rose I can be. And it's all for Him. 

He wants to empower you too. Run to Him. His arms are wide open. Waiting.

To God be the glory, for He has done, is doing, and will continue to do great things.

I will extol thee, O Lord; 

for thou hast lifted me up, 

and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, 

and thou hast healed me.

O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: 

thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, 

and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: 

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.

Lord, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: 

thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.

I cried to thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication.

What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? 

Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?

Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: 

thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. 

O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

Psalm 30

To be nobody but yourself in a world

 which is doing its best, night and day, 

to make you everybody else 

means to fight the hardest battle 

which any human being can fight; 

and never stop fighting. 

e. e. cummings

Fair

There's a reason God doesn't give us what is fair.

The reason is that He loves us. So much. And He knows what fair really is.

If life was fair, you'd be a lot worse off than you are now.

I just needed to say that.

Both for myself, and for anyone who might have stumbled upon my little corner.

Life isn't fair. Be thankful.

He Gives, He Takes Away

Take just a minute to let your mind wander. But with a purpose. Direct it to a specific person in your life. Not just any person. The one person you count yourself closest to. The person who knows your secrets. The one you trust the most (besides God) to know your thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. The person who has shared their secrets with you. The one you could not imagine your life without. The person God has blessed you the most with. It could be multiple people. Family. Your best friend. Heck, even a special pet.

Now take them away.

Take them out.

Mentally remove them from your life as you currently know it.

What do you feel? What are you thinking?

If God took away the person or persons in your life that you are closest to, the one(s) you deem most important, would you be okay?


Think about it. Really, truly think about it.

What is crossing your mind?

I can't imagine life without them. God wouldn't do that to me. He knows I need them. My life would be a mess without them. I need them.


Do you?

I know that may seem harsh. But do you really need them?

My grace is sufficient for thee.


Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.


Our sufficiency is of God


These three phrases are straight from God's Word. Friends, isn't He enough? Isn't God sufficient to meet all our needs?

This is the part where I get brutally honest about myself. This post is for me just as much as it is for you. This topic has not been on my mind for just today. It's been all year. More than that. Months on end.

Every day, God has been asking me...

Autumn Rose Johnson. Aren't I enough? 


And every day, I answer...

Yes, Lord. You are enough.


But I don't necessarily apply it. Truth is, I have been struggling to apply it.

Every time I have embraced a friend going through a trial, reminding them that God is enough, I have been speaking to myself as well. Because, friends, I struggle with this too. So much. I daily teeter on the dangerous edge of believing I need "God and." God and my best friend.

I have been battling the mindset of believing that I need my Perfect, Holy, Undisappointing God plus a fallible, imperfect, disappointing human who struggles with sin just as much as I do. I have been adding on someone who will not fail to disappoint me into my room-for-one need category.

Don't get me wrong. My best friend is an incredible person. I have been blessed to have this person in my life. But I should not need him. He is just as human as I am. Thus, there will be (and have been) times in my life when he will (and has) disappoint(ed) me. Because he sins, he falls, and he makes mistakes.

The only person in my life who will never, ever fail me is God. The only person I truly need is God.

So what am I doing putting up someone doomed to fall above my infinitely perfect God?

Who is the greatest treasure in my heart? God? Or my best friend?

For where your treasure is, there where your heart be also.


Nearly every single day since late January, early February, a question has echoed through my mind.

What if God took him away? What if he temporarily or even permanently was no longer apart of my life? Not necessarily dying, but just no longer being a part of my life? Would I be okay?


I would constantly knee-jerk respond.

I'd have to be. I'm not a best friend worshipper. I'm a Christ-worshipper. Of course I'd be okay. I'd have no choice.


Am I?
Would I be (okay)?

And that, friends, is where I am always stopped.

Who do I worship?

A guy I admire and look up to in my life as my closest friend?
Or God--the ultimate example, the perfect and holy one, my Savior?


A friend can't save me. A friend will fail me. A friend sins. A friend disappoints.

God has saved me. God never fails me. God never sins. God never disappoints.

I'm skilled at excuses, though. It's a being human thing. You can probably relate.

God would never take him away. It's not gonna happen. I don't need to worry about it.


I can just imagine God's sad laugh whenever I thought that.

Because, friends, God took away my best friend.

God saw my rebellious and wayward heart, and knew what needed to be done.

It is only temporary. A not only physical, but emotional separation. God has given him a season in life that I cannot truly understand. It is a time for him in which it would be cruel and selfish of me to ask him to prioritize time for me. Because that is not in any way what he needs to be doing. His family is, and always will be first. And I have to respect that.

So God has taken away my best friend. One of the "I couldn't imagine my life without" people in my life. And I have two choices.

I can sulk, think about how unfair life is, and go through the motions of life, jumping every time my phone buzzes with a text message or someone chats me on Facebook because I think it's him. I know because I've done it. I've been doing it. Pretty pitiful, eh?

Or...


I can live. Pray for my friend and rejoice in how good God is and draw closer to Him: my perfect Savior. I can devote time to others. I can give more time and thought towards God, because He deserves all my time and thoughts. And with this choice, friends, is the one in which I will be truly happy.

It will not be easy. It has not been easy. I must make a daily choice to not allow my missing a close friend to consume my thought life. My thoughts, actions, words, and attitude must be filled with God.

When God is my #1 priority, every other want and desire will slip away. I will view them as I need to view them: nice, but not necessary.


Everything. Yes, even an earthly best friend.

Because I have a Heavenly best friend who will never go away.

What more could I ask for?

Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: 

the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 1:21

Want vs. Need

God has blessed me richly in my life. Especially in the area of college.

I'm attending a spectacular Christian university that sets the standard in education. I had an incredible freshman year that, while was not without its trials, was also not without triumphs. My parents have been kind enough to pay for my tuition. I, in turn, pay for my textbooks and any other expenses I encrue.

For freshman year, I really wanted a job to help my parents with tuition. I'm fully aware college is not cheap, and I wanted to help in any way I could. My mom asked me to hold back at least a year so I could get my bearings with college life. So I respected her wishes and did so.

Towards the end of the school year, I started to determine where I wanted to work on campus starting the next semester. I was referred by a friend to the work supervisor for the school's snack and coffee shops. My work preference was the coffee shop, but I ended up in the snack shop where I was happy to be. Hey, I had a job, right??

But at the end of the semester, everything change. I received an e-mail from my new supervisor, stating that the school's food services were being outsourced. What did this mean for student workers? We may or may not have jobs for the next semester. I could've cried. Actually, I did. I had just landed a new job, and here I was set up to possibly already lose it!


So not fair.


Right?


After a series of e-mails I've received throughout this first month of summer, I finally received an e-mail this morning explaining the process for re-applying for jobs. I sent out a confirmation of interest e-mail just now. So now, I wait.

Every time I think about this, I'll admit, I get frustrated. Sometimes, okay, often, I question God's purpose in possibly taking away my job. I've struggled even at home to get a job. I put out tons of applications and got no response. I'm back working at my dad's office. This may not seem so bad, in fact, it's a good job in a great work environment. But it's been discouraging because I wanted to get a job because I went out and looked for it and offered myself for hire. Not because the boss is my dad. Even though someone was needed in my position.

It's a logic that can only be completely understood by independent minds like mine.

Constantly I've been questioning God. Asking Him, don't you want me to work?? You created me with the desire to do something so why all these barriers?


But the problem isn't with God.

The problem is always, 100% with me.

Because, as crazy as this sounds, maybe it's because I merely want a job. Do I need a job during the school year? I'm not paying my school bills. I have already become a master at saving 60+% on my textbooks. I don't really need to go to Starbucks or Genghis Grill so much (those things too often make fatter anyway). I don't need a whole lot of food in my dorm room (once again, enough of it will make me fatter. I'm on diet, people!!! The curse of the Freshman 15+). I eat in the dining common. The only time I truly need a job is for two reasons:

To keep me busy during summer and winter breaks.
To pay for textbooks.

Everything I need (three square meals a day, a place to sleep, and of course an education) is on campus and covered by my tuition cost.
Everything else is a matter of want.

So, whether God allows me to keep my job or not, I will not speak in respect of want, for I have learned and must continue to learn that whatever state I am in, I must be content. (paraphrase of Hebrews 13:5)