He Gives, He Takes Away

Take just a minute to let your mind wander. But with a purpose. Direct it to a specific person in your life. Not just any person. The one person you count yourself closest to. The person who knows your secrets. The one you trust the most (besides God) to know your thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. The person who has shared their secrets with you. The one you could not imagine your life without. The person God has blessed you the most with. It could be multiple people. Family. Your best friend. Heck, even a special pet.

Now take them away.

Take them out.

Mentally remove them from your life as you currently know it.

What do you feel? What are you thinking?

If God took away the person or persons in your life that you are closest to, the one(s) you deem most important, would you be okay?


Think about it. Really, truly think about it.

What is crossing your mind?

I can't imagine life without them. God wouldn't do that to me. He knows I need them. My life would be a mess without them. I need them.


Do you?

I know that may seem harsh. But do you really need them?

My grace is sufficient for thee.


Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.


Our sufficiency is of God


These three phrases are straight from God's Word. Friends, isn't He enough? Isn't God sufficient to meet all our needs?

This is the part where I get brutally honest about myself. This post is for me just as much as it is for you. This topic has not been on my mind for just today. It's been all year. More than that. Months on end.

Every day, God has been asking me...

Autumn Rose Johnson. Aren't I enough? 


And every day, I answer...

Yes, Lord. You are enough.


But I don't necessarily apply it. Truth is, I have been struggling to apply it.

Every time I have embraced a friend going through a trial, reminding them that God is enough, I have been speaking to myself as well. Because, friends, I struggle with this too. So much. I daily teeter on the dangerous edge of believing I need "God and." God and my best friend.

I have been battling the mindset of believing that I need my Perfect, Holy, Undisappointing God plus a fallible, imperfect, disappointing human who struggles with sin just as much as I do. I have been adding on someone who will not fail to disappoint me into my room-for-one need category.

Don't get me wrong. My best friend is an incredible person. I have been blessed to have this person in my life. But I should not need him. He is just as human as I am. Thus, there will be (and have been) times in my life when he will (and has) disappoint(ed) me. Because he sins, he falls, and he makes mistakes.

The only person in my life who will never, ever fail me is God. The only person I truly need is God.

So what am I doing putting up someone doomed to fall above my infinitely perfect God?

Who is the greatest treasure in my heart? God? Or my best friend?

For where your treasure is, there where your heart be also.


Nearly every single day since late January, early February, a question has echoed through my mind.

What if God took him away? What if he temporarily or even permanently was no longer apart of my life? Not necessarily dying, but just no longer being a part of my life? Would I be okay?


I would constantly knee-jerk respond.

I'd have to be. I'm not a best friend worshipper. I'm a Christ-worshipper. Of course I'd be okay. I'd have no choice.


Am I?
Would I be (okay)?

And that, friends, is where I am always stopped.

Who do I worship?

A guy I admire and look up to in my life as my closest friend?
Or God--the ultimate example, the perfect and holy one, my Savior?


A friend can't save me. A friend will fail me. A friend sins. A friend disappoints.

God has saved me. God never fails me. God never sins. God never disappoints.

I'm skilled at excuses, though. It's a being human thing. You can probably relate.

God would never take him away. It's not gonna happen. I don't need to worry about it.


I can just imagine God's sad laugh whenever I thought that.

Because, friends, God took away my best friend.

God saw my rebellious and wayward heart, and knew what needed to be done.

It is only temporary. A not only physical, but emotional separation. God has given him a season in life that I cannot truly understand. It is a time for him in which it would be cruel and selfish of me to ask him to prioritize time for me. Because that is not in any way what he needs to be doing. His family is, and always will be first. And I have to respect that.

So God has taken away my best friend. One of the "I couldn't imagine my life without" people in my life. And I have two choices.

I can sulk, think about how unfair life is, and go through the motions of life, jumping every time my phone buzzes with a text message or someone chats me on Facebook because I think it's him. I know because I've done it. I've been doing it. Pretty pitiful, eh?

Or...


I can live. Pray for my friend and rejoice in how good God is and draw closer to Him: my perfect Savior. I can devote time to others. I can give more time and thought towards God, because He deserves all my time and thoughts. And with this choice, friends, is the one in which I will be truly happy.

It will not be easy. It has not been easy. I must make a daily choice to not allow my missing a close friend to consume my thought life. My thoughts, actions, words, and attitude must be filled with God.

When God is my #1 priority, every other want and desire will slip away. I will view them as I need to view them: nice, but not necessary.


Everything. Yes, even an earthly best friend.

Because I have a Heavenly best friend who will never go away.

What more could I ask for?

Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: 

the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 1:21

Want vs. Need

God has blessed me richly in my life. Especially in the area of college.

I'm attending a spectacular Christian university that sets the standard in education. I had an incredible freshman year that, while was not without its trials, was also not without triumphs. My parents have been kind enough to pay for my tuition. I, in turn, pay for my textbooks and any other expenses I encrue.

For freshman year, I really wanted a job to help my parents with tuition. I'm fully aware college is not cheap, and I wanted to help in any way I could. My mom asked me to hold back at least a year so I could get my bearings with college life. So I respected her wishes and did so.

Towards the end of the school year, I started to determine where I wanted to work on campus starting the next semester. I was referred by a friend to the work supervisor for the school's snack and coffee shops. My work preference was the coffee shop, but I ended up in the snack shop where I was happy to be. Hey, I had a job, right??

But at the end of the semester, everything change. I received an e-mail from my new supervisor, stating that the school's food services were being outsourced. What did this mean for student workers? We may or may not have jobs for the next semester. I could've cried. Actually, I did. I had just landed a new job, and here I was set up to possibly already lose it!


So not fair.


Right?


After a series of e-mails I've received throughout this first month of summer, I finally received an e-mail this morning explaining the process for re-applying for jobs. I sent out a confirmation of interest e-mail just now. So now, I wait.

Every time I think about this, I'll admit, I get frustrated. Sometimes, okay, often, I question God's purpose in possibly taking away my job. I've struggled even at home to get a job. I put out tons of applications and got no response. I'm back working at my dad's office. This may not seem so bad, in fact, it's a good job in a great work environment. But it's been discouraging because I wanted to get a job because I went out and looked for it and offered myself for hire. Not because the boss is my dad. Even though someone was needed in my position.

It's a logic that can only be completely understood by independent minds like mine.

Constantly I've been questioning God. Asking Him, don't you want me to work?? You created me with the desire to do something so why all these barriers?


But the problem isn't with God.

The problem is always, 100% with me.

Because, as crazy as this sounds, maybe it's because I merely want a job. Do I need a job during the school year? I'm not paying my school bills. I have already become a master at saving 60+% on my textbooks. I don't really need to go to Starbucks or Genghis Grill so much (those things too often make fatter anyway). I don't need a whole lot of food in my dorm room (once again, enough of it will make me fatter. I'm on diet, people!!! The curse of the Freshman 15+). I eat in the dining common. The only time I truly need a job is for two reasons:

To keep me busy during summer and winter breaks.
To pay for textbooks.

Everything I need (three square meals a day, a place to sleep, and of course an education) is on campus and covered by my tuition cost.
Everything else is a matter of want.

So, whether God allows me to keep my job or not, I will not speak in respect of want, for I have learned and must continue to learn that whatever state I am in, I must be content. (paraphrase of Hebrews 13:5)

Good.

There have been many times in my life when I have raised my voice Heaven, my heart screaming why. This isn't fair, God. Why does it have to be this way?

There are two things about God I have the hardest time grasping.
1) We are not always meant to know the reason why He does things the way He does them.
2) His plan is much great and better than ours.

I question everything. I have to know why. I am an organizer. I plan everything.

I all-to-often cling to the misconception that I must have control of the situation and know why something is happening at all times. I have come to realize (multiple times) that if I try to explain the ultimate why to any situation, I won't get anywhere besides "because it is a part of God's plan."

Many times, God chooses to withhold the why from us. When He does this, he asks us to simply trust Him. But He doesn't leave us out in the cold. He gathers us up in His arms. He wraps us in a warm blanket and holds us as we cry. He gently wipes away our tears and stores them in special jars, labeled with our names. And He remains good.

Often, we don't feel like He is good. But God is not a God based on feelings. If He was, we'd be dealing with an inconsistent and unstable God. But we are not. God is a firm, unshakeable God. He is a God of truth. Action. Constancy. Truth is, whether or not we feel like God is good... He is.

I've been hooked on two songs lately.
"Before the Throne" was in a playlist sent to me by a friend.It constantly reminds me not only of Christ's perfect sacrifice because of His love for imperfect people (psst! That's us) but also of the way God is right there with me always. The One who forgave our sins is also the One who is with us through it all.

One of my roommates introduced me to "Times." Whenever I hear or hum it, I am reminded of God's constant, unchanging love. In good times and bad times, He is there for me.

Tonight, as I began to once again ask why, my heart's cries were interrupted by a flow of Heaven-sent reminders straight from lessons I learned in my childhood.

God is so good (He's so good to me).
Great is thy faithfulness oh God my Father (there is no shadow of turning with Thee).
What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee (I will not fear what flesh can do to me).
My God is so GREAT (so strong, so mighty).
There's nothing my God cannot do (for you).
He is able (to carry me through).
Jesus loves me (the Bible tells me so).
This world is not my home (I'm just passing through).

You. Yes, you. I know what you're thinking. You're in the midst of a trial. Everything seems to be going wrong. Nothing is going how you planned it. You feel alone and forgotten. But God has not forgotten you. He is putting a perfect plan in motion. A plan that is best for you. A plan that will ultimately bring Him glory.

Keep clinging, He's still there.

Whom have I in heaven but thee? 

and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 

My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. 

For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: 

thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. 

But it is good for me to draw near to God: 

I have put my trust in the Lord God, 

that I may declare all thy works.

Psalm 73:25-28

Reality.

I was at a nursing home the other day, and a lady came up to me in tears. She said to me, I'm terminal. But I couldn't help but be reminded that we're all terminal. We're all dying. We're all going somewhere.

That is an excerpt from a conversation I had with an older man one day at work this week. It was prompted by a simple question on a sheet I asked him to fill out.

Would you appreciate prayer today? (circle yes or no)


I get a lot of different responses from this question. Most people stop in surprise. Those who circle yes usually say something like, "Prayer is always a good thing." The people who circle no either say "Prayer is always good, but I don't need anything specific today." or don't say anything at all. Some don't even respond.

This kind looking older man came to my work station on a slow Tuesday afternoon. He greeted me with a  smile, and I began doing what I needed to do.

I don't know why, but I especially love it when I get older people. They're so sweet. They call me "hun" and smile, just happy to be there. My usually quick hands become much softer around their fragile bodies. If I'm lucky, they might even spontaneously recall a piece of their history. Those times are my favorites. I could sit and listen for hours to an older man or woman recalling their bits and pieces of their life. They have so much wisdom, gathered from years of experience.

I asked this older man to fill out the sheet, and he soon came to the prayer question. He smiled and circled "yes" with confidence.

"There is no such thing as too much prayer," he told me. I smiled a voiced my agreement. "We can't truly do well without God," I said. "His way is perfect."

"That's exactly right. Everyone needs God. We can't get through life properly without Him."

And as I finished what I needed to do, he told me a story from his childhood. He and some friends had gone rifling through a dump, looking for treasures. They came back home with what they thought was a glorious find: fireworks. They were setting them up in the yard, and were just about to light them when his older brother came home. He rushed to stop them. "Those aren't fireworks! They're dynamite caps."

Had this older man's brother come home any later, he might not have been sitting there recalling that story.

He shook his head, lost in the memory.

We could've been blinded. Or worse... dead. God's timing is absolutely perfect. I should be dead right now.


There's a certain magnitude of that I just can't ignore. Not then, not now.

Maybe I've never mentioned this, but I should be dead. I should not have lived longer than 30 seconds. The only explanation I can give for my breathing is God and His grace.

Really, God's grace is the only reason any of us are here. You are alive and reading this because God is full of grace and mercy.

This summer, I am learning about reality.

I know, that's a really odd thing to say.

I can hear your thoughts now...

She's learning... about... reality... what??


As an idiom, reality simply means in fact or truth.

This summer, I am learning to face the facts. To face and be aware of what is true, and shatteringly real.

Take my conversation with this older man for instance. The reality he left me with. We are all terminal.

We're all going to die. Life is terminal. It's the leading cause of death. It is the cause of death.

We're all going somewhere after we die.

Where are you going?

Is your destination Heaven?

Neither is there salvation in any other: 

for there is none other name under heaven given among men, 

whereby we must be saved.

Acts 4:12

{Food Experiments} Pizza

Fridays are the best days for dinner in my house. It's been our tradition for about ten years now to have pizza for dinner on Friday nights. At first, I was going to hunt around for a gluten-free pizza recipe. But then, I found a gluten-free pizza mix. Assuming it would be easier to make, I got it. And it was... interesting to say the least. But, it's delicious, so I must've done something right! ;)

Pizza
recipe from Glutino

Ingredients:
Entire bag of pizza mix
Enclosed yeast packet

Here's kinda what the box looks like...

1 3/4 cups lukewarm water or milk (depending on wether you have any dairy issues or not. I went with milk)
1 tsp cider vinegar (I substituted rice vinegar. Mostly because I didn't have cider vinegar.)
1 tbsp honey or sugar (I went with honey)
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup vegetable oil or melted butter (canola oil, vegetable oil, same difference...)
2 eggs plus 1 egg white or 1 egg and 3 egg whites, lightly beaten (I went with the first option and forgot to beat them. Whoops. It was still tasty.)

Baking Instructions:

Pour mix and yeast into large bowl. 

Combine remaining ingredients. 

Beat 2 minutes using a heavy-duty mixer.

The recipe says you should scrape the dough into a bread pan.

Don't.

It's super sticky.

And not worth the time.

Cover it with saran wrap and let it rise for 40 minutes.

See, I was dumb and transferred the dough into a bread pan.
DON'T BE LIKE ME!! ;)

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

Spread dough on lightly oiled cookie sheet(s) or pizza pan.

It's probably gonna be really sticky. Be ye warned.

Cover with delicious toppings.

I'm one of those people that loves a classic pepperoni pizza.

Yummmm.

Put in oven.

(Duh.)

Bake 15 minutes or until edges of crust are brown.

And then... eat!!

Om nom nom nom nom...

{Food Experiments} Banana Bread

Something not many people know about me is that I have Celiac Disease (for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, basically, I'm allergic to gluten). This is partially due to the fact that I only found out about it around October 2011. It was not the most enjoyable thing to find out about right after I started college, but going gluten-free has been the best thing ever for my health. God has sustained me and has been sufficient through every time I felt sick and just wanted to go home. I'm learning a lot about being healthier and how much I need to rely on God for everything. I can praise God for the ways He has grown and stretched me. While learning to how to drastically change my lifestyle as far as food goes was not top on my list for things to do in college, I would not take the past year back for anything. God's perfect plan is always better than our own.

So, all of this leads up to now. I am staring at four months of summer break. I will (God willing) be working, volunteering, doing a summer class, and spending time with friends. I also want to experiment with gluten-free recipes and chronicle these recipes and my experiments.

Today I began my food experimenting. With banana bread.

Aaaah, banana bread. There are many childhood memories infused into that delicious word. Whenever my mom said, "I'm making banana bread!" it was cause for excitement in the house. I can remember my younger brother and sister and I eagerly anticipating a warm slice of the tantalizing bread as the aroma wafted through our small military base house. Banana bread was my favorite treat. And it still is. My mom makes the best banana bread. So when I found bananas on the counter this morning, waiting to be turned into the delicious bread, I got excited. But then remembered... I can't have bread. But then the wheels in my head began to turn. I had for a couple weeks planned to experiment with gluten-free recipes. Why not start with banana bread, my favorite childhood treat? And so I opened my computer and began searching. I found a couple recipes and "pinned" them to my gluten-free board on Pinterest. Finally, I settled on one and, after my mom hit the grocery store, began baking.

Banana Bread
Recipe from Taste of Home

Ingredients:

2 cups gluten-free all-purpose baking flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

4 eggs

2 cups mashed ripe bananas (4-5 medium)

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/3 cup canola oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Baking Instructions:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. I often forget to do this step first when I'm baking... remember to do it first!! It saves you a whole lot of time in the end.

In a large bowl, combine 

the flour, baking soda and salt.

In a small bowl, whisk the eggs, bananas, sugar, applesauce, oil and vanilla.

Stir into dry ingredients until just moistened.

Transfer into two 8 in x 4 in loaf pans coated with cooking spray. My mom has these really neat stoneware pans from Pampered Chef. I like using them because they supposedly bake breads better. 

The recipe calls for you to put chopped walnuts on top of the batter after you put it in the pans. I was out of walnuts, and my dad loves pecans so I substituted pecans. 

Mmmm.... chopped pecans... :)

After you get the batter in the pans, put them in the oven that you have already preheated to 350 degrees for about 50 minutes (or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean). 

 

After you take the bread out, 

let it cool for about 10 minutes. 

Then you can take it out of the pans 

and put it on wire racks. 

And then the best part... 

slicing it up and enjoying it! 

My family and I loved it. 

As you can see...

Complete In Thee

Complete in Thee! No work of mine,
May take, dear Lord, the place of Thine;
Thy blood hath pardon bought for me,
And I am now complete in Thee!

There has rarely been a time I have sung Complete in Thee when I have not been convicted or taught/reminded. Tonight in my dorm, we had a dorm-wide singspiration in the study lounge (and outlying area around it... we did not all fit in the study lounge). When they passed out the song sheets, I was enthralled to see that Complete in Thee was one of the songs on the list for the night.

If you have not figured it out yet, Complete in Thee is my all-time favorite song. This is the song. The one I can listen to over and over and over again and not get tired of. The one I never stop learning from. The one that is my first choice when I want to worship my Savior through song. The one I absolutely adore. I have many, many songs I love a lot. Songs I would place under the "favorite song" category. But Complete in Thee far surpasses them all. This is my beyond favorite song. It is the ultimately best song. Ever.

Okay, back to tonight.

God has recently taught me a huge lesson. Finally reaching the poing of admitting I was wrong and had  been living with a life-dominating sin was extremely humbling. Setting things right in my life involved approaching several people in my life and doing exactly what every close to me knows I have a hard time doing: admitting that I was wrong. Maybe sometime [soon] I'll be able to share the full story. Trust me, it's one for [my] history books. :)

One of the "outskirts" lessons I have been working on applying that connects to the [big] lesson I learned is being completely satisfied in Christ. I easily grow impatient, wanting certain things in my life to move faster than they are moving right now. I know that God will not keep me where I am at in life right now a day longer than I'm supposed to be there. But the waiting can be so hard.

Tonight before the singspiration, I'll admit, I was struggling with satisfaction and patience. I was talking to a friend needlessly speculating about when when when would things move forward. I was allowing thoughts of dissatisfaction and impatience to consume my thoughts. And I'll be honest. It wasn't just when I was in my friend's room. It had been all day. Off and on for the past couple of days.

So I get to the singspiration.

And we get to Complete in Thee.

And we start singing.

And I keep hearing that phrase... complete in Thee.


As I sang, I began to become convicted. In Christ, I am complete. What more could I want? He will supply my every need. My current situation isn't all that bad, honestly. Sure, it doesn't appear ideal right now. But what about what God tells the Israelites in Jeremiah 29:11?

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, 

thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

God has me in the situation I am in to teach me. Not to harm me. Where I am at in life is for my good. It may be hard now, but it will all be worth it. Who am I to doubt God's goodness? Who am I to doubt His timing? Who am I to deny Him His glory by being ungrateful and impatient?


God has gotten me this far. He will continue to hold me not only through this, but throughout my entire life. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

And I am complete in Him.