Like every driving force in this world is doing its best to make sure I can't.
Like maybe, it's not even worth it to open my mouth some days. Or a lot of days.
Like I could cry a million tears and still not be dry.
Like I'm making every mistake possible.
It's just a stupid English outline, right? No. It's more than just that. It's not only that. That was the straw that broke this camel's back.
It was the break that made me want to run outside and scream.
I've cried it silently more than once. Especially these past couple of weeks.
It's not fair, right? Why should everything all at once be happening to me??
It's enough that I have to watch my friends suffer and much to often be at a loss for words. But to constantly feel guilty and selfish because I'm trying to work through struggles of my own.
I hunger to be alone but long to be with people.
I want to start walking and see how far I could get.
I want 3,000 miles to be 3 inches.
I want webcam hugs to be real life hugs.
I want everything to be okay.
I want God.
On more than one occasion I have been directed to Psalm 61-63.
"Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer." Psalm 61:1
"Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from Him cometh my salvation." Psalm 62:1
"O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is." Psalm 63:1
My soul hungers after God.
It's so easy to get fed up and just blurt out with "I hate my life!" Which yes, I've said on more than one occasion this week.
In one aspect, yes it is a joke. Yes, it's a cry of frustration that holds no true meaning. But it is a statement that should never be true.
No matter how trying life gets, it is beautiful. It is good.
So easily have I been forgetting this.
I am so loved. Not only by God, but by others. I get a hundred million hugs and a thousand "I love you"s a day.
Life is hard.
It's okay to be frustrated.
To wonder what God's plan is in all of it.
As long as I am seeking after God, all of these reactions are normal.
When placed alone, these emotions indicate hopelessness.
But these emotions all mean something more when they are included with a Christ-seeking attitude.
To be frustrated means to desire change.
To cry means that you feel.
To wonder what God's plan is in all of it means you desire to do His will.
I'm not perfect. I forget this simple truth every single day of my life. And every day I am reminded that God is faithful.
That even though I am in a valley of shadows, I do not need to fear.
God is with me.
I am wanting for nothing.
And everything is going to be okay.
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.