One Month and Five Days Later.

I have returned.

Not to here, but to another place. Another home.

I hope you will visit me there.

Called By Name (We Are His)

Pressing On. And Moving On.

A lot can happen in two months.

A semester ends.

Finals are passed.

Classes end.

Break begins.

And life goes on.

And I keep pressing on.

That's the thing about life. It goes on.

It keeps going, no matter what.

Life does not stop for anyone.

Each day passes by, whether you want it to or not.

Greetings are made.

Good-byes are said.

And the everything in between.

There is so much that has happened in these two short months, I don't even know how to begin to share my heart with you. Sometimes, I don't know what to say anymore. It's as if the writing part of my soul just kind of... slipped away.

Sometimes, I visit my blog. Read through posts. Look at where I began, and where I was at my last post. Scroll through my traffic feed. Seeing how many people keep coming back. I wonder why. Are they hoping I've posted again? I wonder how many people I've disappointed with my lack of posting.

If I've disappointed them.

I've missed writing.

But I can't... do it anymore.

Twelve days ago (fromt the writing of this post), someone from Redding, California visited my blog. I used to live there. I have memories of crazy heat, the time it snowed, my Madeline themed birthday party. California was a happy time for me. I was there from ages 1 1/2 to 4. The stage of childhood I love marveling at now as an adult.

So hello to you, Redding, California. I hope my blog did not disappoint.

There's a post I wrote back in 2010. It's my most popular post. It has been ever since I wrote it. Since publishing, that post on its own has received 257 views. And that is not counting views it "received" if people were just scrolling through old posts.

Wow.

It still comes up in search engines.

Wow.

I have reached people all around the world with my blog. Twenty-five times my blog has been accessed from China.

I am blown away by the stretch my blog has made. I mean... pageviews from China? Russia? Malaysia?

And I have had less than 6,000 lifetime pageviews. That's not many for someone who has been blogging for as long as I have.

But the fact that people have liked my blog enough to accumulate between them 5,944 views amazes me. I just hope and pray that God has used my blog in even just one person's life to change them for the better.

I hope A Paradox Among the Logical has touched you. I hope that by reading my blog, you have found something worth your time.

I hope reading my blog has blessed you as much as writing it has blessed me.

Because this is my final post.

In this season in life, this time, I no longer have time to blog. It's a tough decision to make. I want to cry as I'm typing this. I probably would if I was a little more alone in my dorm room.

I am sincerely going to miss blogging. I loved having an avenue to share my writing, even if I didn't even know if someone would read it.

Thank you, to the people who contributed to the 5,944 hits my blog received during it's two year and eight month lifetime.

But most of all, the thanks and glory goes to God. Without Him, I am nothing, and this blog would have never happened. I thank Him for His grace, and for all the lessons He has taught me. I thank Him that I was able to share them with the people who read them.

If I choose to pick up blogging again, I will leave a short post on this blog with a link to my new blog. It may take a few months... it may take a few years. But by the grace of God, I will once again return to the blogging world.

Farewell, friends. Thank you for reading.

But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.

Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss 

for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: 

for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, 

and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,

And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, 

which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, 

the righteousness which is of God by faith:

That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, 

and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;

If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.

 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: 

but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: 

but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, 

and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:7-14

Worn.

My eyes are drooping, and from what my roommates tell me, the stress is written all across my face. I'm so close to break, but so far away. Four tests, four more 7:15 am work shifts, and four more 8:15 am breakfasts with my campus sister stand in my way. And in a few hours, those will be scattered throughout 12. more. days.

Twelve more days and I can . 

For a moment. 

Just a week.

Some time with close friends.

Some time to be chill with my homework (but still get it done).

Some extra time to spend with my Savior.

Some time to be thankful.

Thanksgiving is coming soon, and so often lately have I found myself selfishly anticipating the short amount of time I'll get to just "chill." To cast away my problems, forget about my busy early mornings, and my stress. And so often, it's all about me.

What stress I'm undergoing.

What my problems are.

And yes, I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm worn.

But so is everyone else. Everyone I encounter daily has a burden the size of the universe weighing them down. Everyone has stress, and nobody feels like they can make it through. We are all desperately crying for relief that won't come soon enough.

We are worn.

Everywhere I go on my college campus, I look into the eyes of my peers and see heavy souls and weighted hearts. We are all people. People who are learning that life doesn't stop just because we left home for a few months. People learning that sometimes 16 hours in class doesn't always mean a 16 credit load. It often means more. People learning just how few hours in the day there really are. People who just. can't. get. it. done.

People in pain.

People ready to give up.

But we are also people who everyday wake up and have hope.

Hope that comes from the same Savior I know the majority of us have a personal relationship with, because friends (those at my school), we are on a Christian campus. 

We can wake up each morning with new hope and new mercies, knowing that God is still God and that He is still in control. 

I know what it feels like. We all know what it feels like. But most importantly, God knows what it feels like, and what you are going through right at this very moment. He knows that F on that really important test was a soul-crusher. He knows you feel torn and disconnected from that situation at home and you have no idea what to do. He knows you just broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend and you're standing there, left in the dust, having no clue what went wrong. He knows you struggle to even wake up in the morning. He knows work and/or classes are stressing you to the max and that you can never seem to get all your homework done at night.

And God knows inside and out just how much your heart hurts right now because you feel trapped and don't know what to do or where to go next. 

He wants to give you hope. 

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 

The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Lamentations 3:21, 24

He is offering you mercy.

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 

They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

And He will not fail you.

And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD.

 2 Chronicles 28:20

Please, do not give up. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, He will give you strength and you will mount up with wings like eagles! 

Whether you are with me at college, or somewhere else in the world, please, rest in the knowledge that you are God's child and He loves you. He has a great and mighty plan and He is not finished with you yet. He is just getting started.

And if you are not God's child, I pray that you would realize your great and desperate need for Him and come to a saving knowledge of Him. It will be the best choice you have ever made, guaranteed. 

Can I Have a Wish?

I don't normally use my blog to speculate about my future, or to share the random little wishes I have for my life. But today, I can't hold back. Today is a day of insight and a little peek into my mind, should you continue to read.

I'm a bit of a people watcher. Especially when I go to Starbucks. There's just something about having an Econ textbook in front of me that makes my eyes wander. Clearly this is merely a requirement, "get me through this so I can get an A and forget about it" course for me. It's interesting, to be sure, but so are people.

The day is a beautiful rainy Sunday. I'm sitting by a window with a clear view of the people pulling into the Starbucks parking lot and coming in the front door. I've seen a young family, college students, and several young teenagers. But one older couple has caught my eye.

I spotted them when the wife stepped out of the car. She has a walking boot on her left leg and is using a cane. Her husband came up next to her and guided her inside. They go up to the counter and place their order. I notice they are both carrying books. The husband sits his wife down at the table in front of mine. I watch him set his coffee down and go to retrieve hers when it is ready. They each pull out a small snack and open their books. I smile to myself as I watch them together. They don't talk, just sit: nibbling, drinking, and reading. They are comfortable in their silence. Content to become lost in their individual books while sitting in the presence of the one they love.

The years of mutual love and trust are evident simply in their quiet contentment. Many different people come to Starbucks for many different things. Studying, socializing, internet access. But this couple, they are different. They came simply to enjoy each other on a rainy Sunday afternoon. As I watch their occasional conversation and quiet company, my heart swells. Watching them, I see a window into what I want my later years to be like. What I want my marriage to be like.

Sitting in front of me is an older couple in their retirement years, content to simply enjoy each other. They don't feel obligated to clutter up the atmosphere with pointless, continuous conversation. The years of love, togetherness, and struggle has given them a closeness many merely wish for. And that, that is what I wish for. That someday, when I am old, when my smooth skin has grooved and my multi-colored hair has turned to gray or even white, I will still have the love I had when I was young.

I may not know his name, or his face. I don't know where he will come from or what our life together will be like. But I know that if fifty, sixty years from now, I can sit quietly with him in a coffee shop, reading a book and sipping cappuccinos, simply enjoying his company, and loving him all the more, every struggle we encounter will be worth it.

My wish is for someone who will love me through the good days and the bad. When I am no longer beautiful, I want him to be the kind of man who will still look me in the eye and call me beautiful--and mean it.

But what if sixty years from now, my coffee shop scene is me alone? What if there is never "him"? What if I never wear a white dress, and never say "I do"? Some may say my wish did not come true. But I will say it did. Because sixty years from now, I will still have my heavenly Savior. Whether or not I ever marry. God loves me when I am lovable and when I am not. I am His beautiful creation, no matter how old I get.

Sixty years from now, maybe you'll find me in a coffee shop. If you see me there, old and gray, enjoying a cup of coffee and a thick book, you'll know I'm enjoying a date. Either a date with my husband or a date with my Jesus. And I will be content.

Single or otherwise, I choose to be content.

Lord, teach me to trust You.

Therefore I say unto you,

Take no thought for your life,

What ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink;

Nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.

Is not the life more than meat, and the body raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air:

For they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns;

Yet your heavenly Father feedeth them.

Are ye not much better than they?

Which of you by taking thought

Can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take yet thought for raiment?

Consider the lilies of the field,

How they grow;

They toil not,

Neither do they spin:

And yet I say unto you,

That even Solomon in all his glory

Was not arrayed like one of these.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field,

Which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven,

shall he not much more clothe you,

O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying,

What shall we eat? Or,

What shall we drink? Or,

Wherewithall shall we be clothed?

(For all these things do the Gentiles seek:)

For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need

Of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God,

And His righteousness;

And all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow:

For the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

[Matthew 6:25-34]

Come unto me,

All ye that labour and are heavy laden,

And I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;

For I am meek and lowly in heart:

And ye shall find rest in your souls.

For my yoke is easy,

And my burden is light.

[Matthew 11:28-30]

I'm okay.
That's what I've been saying.

But really...
Maybe I'm not.
But maybe...
I am.

Is it possible to be both?
Yes.

I know that God is in control.
And with that, I am okay.
But I still hurt.
Deeply.

Because I am a person.
With feelings.

I honestly can't say my world has come crashing down around me.

Because my world does not solidify in people or things.

It solidifies in my Savior.
The only One I can truly rely on.

People disappoint.
They are not perfect.
That is the moral to this story.

God's ways are not my ways.
His plans are not my plans.
And I am going to trust Him.

Because if what I just lost wasn't what is best...
Then what is best is something incredible.
And I'm willing to wait for that.

Lord, teach me to trust You.
This is my greatest desire.
But I am weak. I am human.
And I will fall.
Please keep picking me up and brushing me off every time I fall.
Teach me to trust You.
Because that is the one thing I know that will bring me lasting peace.

What I Needed (And What I Wanted)

I have returned.

To college.

To the blogging world (anyone miss me?? Hahaha).

To work.

I'm getting back to my favorite routine. Classes start next week. The big chunk of students gets back this weekend. Studying will start soon (well... it kind of already has). Life will pick up at the high-speed pace college gives it. I am slowly but surely becoming reunited with friends I have not seen for four months. And I have a job.

Some of you may remember a post I wrote closer to the beginning of the summer about wants and needs. Since that time, I got e-mail after e-mail vaguely detailing what was going on, finally got paperwork, and sent it off.

Then there was the waiting.

Ooooh the waiting.

Anyone who knows me well can tell you about my stubborn streak that never seems to end and my subtle but fire-y temper. But anyone who spends an afternoon with me will probably be able to tell you about my lack of patience. My get it done now attitude. In some ways, it's a good thing. I get stuff done. But in other ways, it's definitely a sin problem that God has been mercifully (but firmly) teaching me through. I am constantly going. My mind whirring, looking for the next thing to do. Being bored is not an option. When I have nothing to do, I find something to worry about and fixate on it. Not good. I am legendary in the way I drive people crazy over this.

Once again... not good.

This summer God used my work situation and other situations to show me just how wrong my impatience can be when applied to situations I have no control over.

I constantly worried about work. And God taught me a lesson through that.

When I was waiting on my application paperwork, it was still unknown whether or not I would even receive the paperwork. I knew down to the day when it was supposed to get to me.

Or so I thought.

On the evening of the day I thought I was supposed to receive my application, it had not arrived. I sat up in my bedroom, sulking. Poking around on my computer trying to get my mind off not having a job. But God has a (wonderful) way of stepping in and joining one's thoughts. Reminders kept coming into my mind.

Rose, aren't I in control? Don't I know exactly what you'll be doing next semester? Don't I know your needs?

And it was then that I let my stubbornness slip away. I won't lie, it was not easy. Because my instinct is to worry, and whine, and panic. But as I have learned on many occasions, as a born sinner, my instinct--my automatic response to anything in life--is wrong. And I must (through the work of God) change how I respond to anything in life.

And I chose to do that. That night, I gave everything over to God. I told Him I would be happy with or without a job. Because in the great, grand scheme of things, I don't need anything but my Savior. And I already have Him. As far as earthly needs go, God has promised in His word to supply every single one (Philippians 4:19).

The next day I got a wonderful surprise. As I jumped into my mom's car when she picked me up from work, I spotted a large envelope on the dashboard. I picked it up, and there it was: my paperwork. I practically came out of my skin with excitement.

God knew even before I prayed that my paperwork was on its way. He knew that I would have the job. He knew what I didn't know. He simply asked for my patience and my trust. And receiving my paperwork the day after I "gave in" and chose to trust Him was one of the most wonderful feelings. Yes, my paperwork was coming regardless. But the victory was so much sweeter knowing it came straight from the hands of God--who I had chosen to trust completely.

Weeks went by, the paperwork was filled out and sent off and I had to wait... again. The day I was supposed to get a formal job offer came and went. I started to panic again. And I will admit, really struggled to completely trust God. During those last few weeks, I had done a bit of figuring and had realized that this job was not just a want--it was a definite need. I began to question God. Wonder why He would leave me in the cold like that. He knew I needed a job, so why didn't He deliver?? Isn't that what the verse in Philippians said???

But there's more to that verse than just "God will give you everything you need." In a way, this verse is one of those verses that people take out of context as a "magic solution verse." In context, this verse comes at the end of Philippians 4. Paul is thanking the Philippians for their generous care for him (being that Paul was a missionary, I tend to think theirs was a monetary gift). He uses this as a way to encourage the Philippians. He reminds them that whatever state they are in, they need to be content. He also reminds them that while God will supply their needs, the way He does it will be for His glory.

Unfortunately, that last paragraph is a good reminder that hindsight is 20/20. Because while I constantly prayed for the ability to trust God, I often caught myself not really trying at all.

Because a Facebook conversation and an e-mail later... I found out I most definitely had the job. And I'll admit, I felt pretty silly for worrying. It's times like these that I wonder what God is thinking when His children are once again humbled by the reminder that yes, He is still good and He is still in control. And that there was no chance He had ever left us out in the cold.

And it's times like these that I find myself even more thankful for God's patience with His children. The way He brushes us off after every time we fall--even if we were going directly against Him.

And God supplied my need. For His glory.

And I returned to school early. And arrived at training, knowing I was retail division, knowing I'd probably be working at my "second-choice job." Because while my need had been fulfilled, I still had wants.

Isn't that how we always are?

Hey God, I know you're making sure all my needs and stuff are taken care, and I don't really need such-and-such, but you know, you're big and awesome and stuff. Can't I just have that too?

All the time.

God, I'd really like so-and-so to like me. Can I have this person on my hall? Why does she have to be in my room this year? Artist Series is coming up, I want that guy to ask me. Oh, and could you just suddenly transform the way my body works so I can be skinny now? Yeah, that'd be great.

I know that sounded silly. But in a way, that's kind of what we sound like sometimes. Acting as if God is some sort of magic genie who has given us unlimited wishes that will be granted instantly. In truth, we need a lot less than we think we need. Now, I'm not saying God doesn't like giving us stuff we merely want, but what is our attitude when we ask for these things?

Because something I really wanted was to work in the coffee shop. To be honest, while the Snack Shop was nice, I wasn't thrilled. I've always [wanted] to try being a barista (this is seriously a bucket list thing for me). The coffee shop on my college campus was a perfect opportunity! Right? Well, if that's where God wanted me. And I battled with that too. I really, really wanted to be in the coffee shop. But what if God had something for me in the Snack Shop where He wanted to use me for His kingdom? What if there was something He wanted me to do for Him there?

And so the morning of orientation, I prayed. I admitted to God (well, He obviously already knew all this, but there's something to be said about saying something yourself) that I really, really, really, really wanted to work in the coffee shop. But I knew that He might have something else planned. And so that morning, I gave it up to Him. I told Him wherever He placed me, I would be happy (but, um, I really really would like Cuppa Jones. If that's okay).

I wonder if God ever thinks, "silly girl" when I'm debating between my wants and needs when I'm talking to Him. In a way of, oh, Rose, you will see what I have for you soon enough. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Don't stress, I've got this.

By that afternoon, I had learned that there were openings in Cuppa Jones and 24 hours later, I had my work hours scheduled. Exactly where I wanted to be.

I don't believe in the Prosperity Gospel. There are a lot of holes in that way of thinking. We are not always going to get what we want and life is not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and ponies. But I do believe God delights in delighting His children with certain things in life that they may not necessarily need, but do want. We will always be supplied with our needs. We will not always get what we want. I firmly believe that makes when we do get something we merely that much sweeter. Those times when we do get we want are God's way of saying I love you and love seeing you happy. What you want is not always best for you. But sometimes it is, and I love seeing the joy that comes to your face when you get it. 

God is not some grouchy old man that begrudgingly hands us what we need and doesn't ever think about our wants. He knows the wants are what make life that much more enjoyable.  Don't expect every little thing you want to be handed to you, though. That's not how He works. He gives, He takes away.

And whether He has given you something recently or taken something away, please never forget to praise God. He has a reason for everything He does. Wait patiently on Him and He will give you an unexpected (but wonderful) end.

Living Dangerously.

The danger in becoming a Christian and living for Christ is persecution.

The danger in growing up is discovering that your parents are not perfect.

The danger in having close friends is knowing their flaws.

The danger in love is getting your heart broken.

The danger in discussing beliefs is discovering you are wrong.

The danger in walking outside your front door is encountering people you don't want to encounter.

The danger in reaching out is rejection.

The danger in being transparent is rejection.

The danger in being yourself is people wanting you to be someone else.

The danger in change is the action of it.

The danger in telling the truth is losing friends.

The danger in stepping out of your comfort zone is encountering things you've never tried before.

The danger in trying something new is being stretched beyond imagine.

The danger in living is dying.

Every day when you wake up, you have to ask: is it worth it?

And every day you must find a reason to say: yes.

The reward in living for Christ is knowing you are furthering His cause and will one day get to see Him, your Savior, face-to-face.

The reward in growing up is accomplishing your dreams and learning from the wisdom of your parents.

The reward in having close friends is having people to lift you up and you can lift up.

The reward in love is that not everyone will break your heart. There are those who will return it.

The reward in discussing beliefs is discovering new perspectives

The reward in walking outside your front door is discovering a big wide world waiting to be explored.

The reward in reaching out is being able to show God's love to others.

The reward in being transparent is not longer harboring burdening secrets.

The reward in being yourself is being the best you you can be and thus being truly happy.

The reward in change is becoming more like your Savior.

The reward in telling the truth is learning who your true friends are.


The reward in stepping out of your comfort zone is discovering and doing new and exciting thing.


The reward in trying something new is becoming more rounded.


The reward in truly living is dying to self and becoming alive to Christ.


Seize the day. Take chances. Make mistakes. Get messy.


Love God, love others (this includes your enemies).


Live for Christ in such a way that you recklessly abandon all doubts and fears and jump in both feet first. Face your fears head on and prove to them you are no longer afraid. Let the cause of Christ be your battle cry. Live in His strength.

Live dangerously for Him. You will never go back.