As the Summer Light is Fading..[part 1]

Well, here we are. It's the end of August, summer is almost over. For some, it's already ended. For myself and others, we're hanging on to the last weak threads of our carefree sunny summer days.

Carefree?

I'm typing this on my lunchbreak at work.
I've cried more this summer than I have for a long time.
I'm running around like a crazy person trying to get ready for county fair.

Carefree?

Maybe.

I didn't have to do school for two months. That was nice.

But now...

I have two and a half weeks left.

And then I have school.

Not just school.

My senior year of highschool.

Where did that come from??

Wasn't I just a freshman?

Apparently not..

This summer has been...wow. There really are no words for what this summer has been for me.

Amazing.

Beautiful.

Those words don't even begin to describe it. On my last day or so of summer, I'll write a more detailed post.

You know, when I have time.

(Free time? What's that??)

Yeah.

There are many, many people who contributed to my summer. They are who made it what it has been.

Here are just a few of these people...

God.
Lily.
Kiefer.
Amy.
Miranda.
Serena.
Aaaaaaalllll my Endeavor girlies <3 (that's right, all 30 of ya, plus moms and staff).
Lydia Shanks.
Tara.
MaryAnn.
My parents.
Anyone who works for TeenPact.
Mrs. Reich.
And I could go on for a very long time...

Hopefully, I'll get a chance to write a little note to each of the most prominent people in my summer as I blog about it. Hmm. This is definitely going to be a series. Yes. Starting today. Mhm. This was the first post. Yes. I will detail my summer by events. One even for each post in the series. Okies.

(note: order of mention does not equal order of importance of people. You all are equally amazing to me. Except God. He's number one by far.)

A photograph is memory in the raw. --Carrie Latet

Something that I enjoy in my spare time (besides writing) is photography. My mom has a Canon Rebel and I use it as much as possible. I also use a standard point and shoot (Casio brand). Here is a sample of my photography (paired with some amazing quotes I found). I will be entering these photographs in my county fair. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a chance to write a post about a "first" I had today. 

You don't take a photograph.  You ask, quietly, to borrow it.  ~Author Unknown

I just think it's important to be direct and honest with people about why you're photographing them and what you're doing.  After all, you are taking some of their soul.  ~Mary Ellen Mark
  

The camera can photograph thought.  ~Dirk Bogarde

While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see.  ~Dorothea Lange

 

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs.  When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.  ~Ansel Adams

You don't take a photograph, you make it.  ~Ansel Adams

 

 

A photograph is usually looked at - seldom looked into.  ~Ansel Adams

No place is boring, if you've had a good night's sleep and have a pocket full of unexposed film.  ~Robert Adams

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.  ~Eudora Welty

The world just does not fit conveniently into the format of a 35mm camera.  ~W. Eugene Smith

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Often while traveling with a camera we arrive just as the sun slips over the horizon of a moment, too late to expose film, only time enough to expose our hearts.  ~Minor White

I think a photography class should be a requirement in all educational programs because it makes you see the world rather than just look at it.  ~Author Unknown

Defying Gravity

I've been doing a lot of air travel lately. I've just been doing a lot of travel, period. The other day in church no less then three people approached me and said, "I haven't seen you in a while!" Well, I promise that I'm home to stay...at least until the end of September. Then I will be attending TeenPact's new alumni event--Congress. If you're a TeenPact Alumnus, seriously consider signing up!!

But talking about TPC wasn't the main point I wanted for this post. It was the air travel. LOL.

You know what really intrigues me? The fact that a tiny bird and a huge jumbo jet loaded down with people, luggage, and fuel can both take flight.....but a human can't. Try as we might, without the aid of an airplane, we cannot fly. Yet, for thousands of years it has been mans dream to do so. I would even be so bold as to say since the beginning of time we have longed to fly. It's like in Toy Story, when Buzz Lightyear believes he can fly, and demonstrates his "skill". Woody scoffs and informs him that it's not flying, it's "falling with style". Hangliding, skydiving...that all it is. Falling with style. Man has never and never will truly achieve flying.

When I was a little kid, I often badgered my dad with questions of Heaven. What would it be like? What would we do? Would we have special powers? This last question interested me the most. Ever since I can remember, I've always wanted to be able to run insanely fast, turn invisible, read minds, and fly. So one day, I asked my dad, "Do you think we'll be able to fly?"

My dad thought a minute and responded positively. This excited me. I inquired if we would need stairs (obviously not, if we could fly). The idea of a random hole in the ceiling leading to another floor delighted me. But not just that. The ability to lift off towards that hole filled me with overwhelming excitement.

I believe in Heaven, we'll be able to do things beyond any of our imaginations. Our bodies are mere shells, cages for our souls. Really, we are souls trapped in bodies. We're grounded by our mortality and sin. Pulled down by gravity. Not able to be released. Every time we try to fly, we're gonna fall. We just can't do it. But that doesn't quell our burning desire to fly. We watch the birds soaring above the clouds and find ourselves  wishing we could be like them. We watch airplanes take off and wonder why they can do it and we can't. But in Heaven, I believe we won't have to dream. We won't have long and wonder and wish. Our dreams will come true.

We will see our Lord, Saviour, our Rescuer, Jesus Christ.

We will sing with the angels eternal praise to our Heavenly King.

We will live forever, basking in the glory of God.

Our souls will be released from the cages that are our bodies.

We will be forever happy.

We will be able to spend as much time as we want with those we love.

We will never have to say good-bye.

And we will fly.

Salvation is Here

I remember one late summer night, five years ago. It was late...I'd just woken up from a terrible dream. The worst dream I have ever had in my life. By the grace of God, the details have left me. But that night, I woke up.

Terrified.


Crying. 


Sweating.


Shaking.

I was fighting a battle. One that had gone over a lifetime, but had centralized and strengthened in the past three months.

The battle of my heart.

All summer I had struggled.

Struggled with knowing and understanding who God was. What salvation was. Why He loved me. Why He wanted to save me. What it all meant.

I had spent the whole summer wondering if I was really saved.

I went to camp for the first time. I was deeply convicted.

But I still had not taken that final step.

But that night, the night of my terrible nightmare....

I knew. 

I knew what I had to do.

I ran downstairs...it was late.

Miraculously, my parents were still awake.

I ran to them and told them.


"I'm not saved. I need to be saved."

My mom led me through the Romans Road, showing me the plan of salvation.

And there, on my living room floor, on July 31 at 11:00 at night I knelt.

I prayed.

I put my full faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

I sit here today, typing this as a fully redeemed child of God.

Five years is a long time, but it's also so short.

That first year was amazing. I did ten times better in church and in life than I ever had before.

But after that first year...I began to feel stunted.

I struggled with continuing to grow.

This year, I feel like the stunts have been pulled out of me. I have grown so much.

Sometimes, I feel physically weary from the overwhelmingness of it all.

But it's a good weary.

I could not have done the last five years without my Rescuer, my Savior, my Lord, my King, Jesus Christ. 

God has been with me in the best of times and the worst of times--even when I did not put my all into Him.

He's protected me from harm.

He's rejoiced when I have rejoiced.

He has held me close and cried as I cried.

God is truly the best friend I could ever have. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will always be His. He has plans for me in my life that I can't even imagine.

Life is hard. I've already seen that too many times to count.

But in the end, everything's going to be okay. Every time I am tried by fire I will strive to come out as gold.

And with the grace of God and the strength He gives me...


I can.

Here's To Being Alive

I cry sometimes just to make sure I
Am still alive
My dreams feel so small
Compared to what others have done I
Remember
Your words, oh God,
"I am with you always"
Nothing can compare to 
God's amazing love for me when
I fall down He picks me up
And holds
Me
As I cry and comforts me My
Life would be nothing without Him for 
I am nothing without Him my life is but a 
Vapor but He is
Eternal

I'll admit, I'm a cryer. A sad, movie, a moving sermon, a moment of intense joy, a heartfelt prayer, anything like that bring the tears.

But last night, as I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, I started crying. For what at first seemed like no reason at all. True, I had been letting myself get lost in memories of years gone by. But I haven't cried about that for a long time. Suddenly I realized...why.

I was feeling weak.

So small.

So incapable of anything great.

I realized that once again, I was allowing myself to compare. "She's so much cooler than me", or "I'm a loser next to her", and it goes on. So many people were running through my mind, and with each person that ran by, I compared. As I began to realize what I was doing, I realized why.

Insecurity

Selfishness

Acknowledgment that I can't do this on my own.

I can't revise Esperanza's Journey...by myself.

I can't write my portion of a co-written novel...by myself.

I can't finish highschool, go to college, get married, have a life, or anything...on my own.

I need God every step of the way. 

And many times I walk around with a "I can do this and I don't need anyone else" attitude. But I need God. I can't do anything without God. No one can. I need strength I can only get from Him.

He has called me for a specific purpose in my life. I don't know the details yet, but small portions are revealed with each step. And when I feel like I'm not good enough, or I start comparing, I'll just remember a little something I heard once..

God doesn't call the qualified..

He qualifies the called.

As I cried, I found myself pouring my heart to God, begging Him to give me the strength I need. The strength I need to battle my insecurities, and accomplish every task that is set before me. Because He is the only way I will ever get true strength and confidence.

As for the poem..

As my prayer ended and I began to fall asleep, I felt it pouring into my heart. It was like a vein had been tapped directly into it. The lines break at odd points. But then again, there are two ways to read it.

It Is Finished.

I have spent my entire day writing. At first, I worked on the novel I mentioned a few days ago that I am co-writing with a friend. After finishing my first chapter, I had nothing to go off of, as another brainstorming session is in dire need of happening.

So what did I do?

I did the only thing I could do!

Worked on Esperanza's Journey.

And Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I am pleased to announce that:

Esperanza's Journey has been completed!!!!!!!!!

I plan on going back through the entire thing and revising, but I have finally completed the last chapter. It is now a nine-chapter, 48 page allegory just waiting for revision and publication. You cannot even imagine how excited I am right now. I have had many ideas for books before, but have never had enough of an idea to complete one. But now, I have!!!

I'll admit, it's rather short. But, it is an allegory, and those are almost meant to be short. What matters is that I had a story in my heart and I have accomplished in telling it.

I am praising God right now for His faithfulness with this novella. He used a church service to inspire my heart back in March (I will write a post later this week with the full story of the inspiration). This could not have been written without His guidance and leading. I know that He will continue in His faithfulness as I revise and seek publication for this novella. I appreciate your prayers as I begin this process.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.  --William Wordsworth

You Only Have One Heart

There's always something more to learn. Always. God has another lesson, another season just waiting for us around the next bend. This season I am in, I'm not sure what to call it. It was healing. Maybe it still is. I feel like I'm going through a transition, though. Right now, it almost seems like a season of celebration. And of learning. Can it be multiple things? Yes. I think so.

About a month and a half ago, I started learning a really hard lesson. At first, I just waved at it as it passed by. But as time went on, I realized that sooner or later I was going to have to learn this lesson. And so, I picked sooner. I learned the lesson of emotional purity. I should say that I'm still learning it. But I realized (finally) how much I need to work at it. How many mistakes I've been making. How many choices I made that I wish I could take back. This is my greatest struggle.

Last year, I began allowing myself to become close to a young man. Very close. I took our friendship by the leash and skipped on my merry way with no caution. I don't regret being friends with him. I still am. But how close I was to him, that's what I regret. We would text every day, never going a single day without talking. We shared each others triumphs and sorrows. My parents told me to be careful. To take care of my heart. In my head I thought I was doing fine. I didn't like like him, we were just friends, what was the harm? A lot. The harm was a lot.

So I chose to ignore God's whispering. His tap on my shoulder. Until one day, a month and a half ago, He shoved me. Hard. Through an e-mail. From another young man. Telling me something no one had ever told me before. No further contact. It floored me. Knocked me to the ground and would not let me back up. For nearly a week I battled my heart, my conscience, my mind. What had I done? Finally, after many talks with my parents, I wrote him back. Requesting that I know my sin. So I could repent.

It wasn't me. When I read the response, I had to read it a few times to realize what it said. He needed to protect his heart. Oh.

Huh?

So began God's teaching.

I constantly heard those words in my mind. Protect my heart. I began to wonder....am I protecting my heart? I thought back to the young man I was so close to. I had been smacked hard with a choice he made in his life. I started allowing the pieces to fall together. I was way too close to this young man. That's why a choice he had made had been a smack instead of a poke. Something that should have been a poke. My thoughts wandered to a third young man. Then it hit me. I was starting to make the same mistake with him. Talk about history repeating itself.

So I had some talks. I talked to the first and third young men mentioned and told them I needed to be careful with my heart. And that I wasn't doing so. And so we drew a line.

Then I went to Endeavor. One session had a talk specifically about relationships with guys and how to protect our hearts. More pieces fell into place. I understood what I had been doing to myself and some of the young men I interacted with.

Guys are not my buddies. Plain and simple. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I'll talk to one of my girlfriends. Which I have an abundance of now. I think a huge reason I struggle so greatly with this is because at one point in my life 98% of my friends were boys. That was a mistake. God is providing with more and more girlfriends to surround myself with all the time. I am greatly blessed by all the girls in my life. I am thankful that God is providing me with people I can relate to. People who will help me grow. Encourage me in my faith. Help me protect my heart.

I will be forever grateful for that e-mail I received. It taught me a lot. I am now focusing on being the right girl. The right girl for the guy that God has for me. Whoever he may be. Because I'm only going to marry one guy. Those other guys? Other girls' husbands. Yup. Maybe if more girls looked at their guy friends like that, there would be less heartache. I know I will be dealing with less.