Here's To Being Alive

I cry sometimes just to make sure I
Am still alive
My dreams feel so small
Compared to what others have done I
Remember
Your words, oh God,
"I am with you always"
Nothing can compare to 
God's amazing love for me when
I fall down He picks me up
And holds
Me
As I cry and comforts me My
Life would be nothing without Him for 
I am nothing without Him my life is but a 
Vapor but He is
Eternal

I'll admit, I'm a cryer. A sad, movie, a moving sermon, a moment of intense joy, a heartfelt prayer, anything like that bring the tears.

But last night, as I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, I started crying. For what at first seemed like no reason at all. True, I had been letting myself get lost in memories of years gone by. But I haven't cried about that for a long time. Suddenly I realized...why.

I was feeling weak.

So small.

So incapable of anything great.

I realized that once again, I was allowing myself to compare. "She's so much cooler than me", or "I'm a loser next to her", and it goes on. So many people were running through my mind, and with each person that ran by, I compared. As I began to realize what I was doing, I realized why.

Insecurity

Selfishness

Acknowledgment that I can't do this on my own.

I can't revise Esperanza's Journey...by myself.

I can't write my portion of a co-written novel...by myself.

I can't finish highschool, go to college, get married, have a life, or anything...on my own.

I need God every step of the way. 

And many times I walk around with a "I can do this and I don't need anyone else" attitude. But I need God. I can't do anything without God. No one can. I need strength I can only get from Him.

He has called me for a specific purpose in my life. I don't know the details yet, but small portions are revealed with each step. And when I feel like I'm not good enough, or I start comparing, I'll just remember a little something I heard once..

God doesn't call the qualified..

He qualifies the called.

As I cried, I found myself pouring my heart to God, begging Him to give me the strength I need. The strength I need to battle my insecurities, and accomplish every task that is set before me. Because He is the only way I will ever get true strength and confidence.

As for the poem..

As my prayer ended and I began to fall asleep, I felt it pouring into my heart. It was like a vein had been tapped directly into it. The lines break at odd points. But then again, there are two ways to read it.